Journal Excerpt: Dwelling in Fear

I could go somewhere else… but I am afraid.

I could do more for myself, get out into life again… but I am paralyzed with fears.

I know some of what frightens me, but not all of it.  That is the biggest fear of all… what would trigger me to fall apart again if I went out into the world?  I wish I could just find what is wrong with me and fix it.

Sometimes I think that I am mostly afraid of myself because I let myself become broken.  There is nothing really that anyone else can do to me that is worse than what I have done to myself. 

I fear that if I let myself go back into a real life, I will just hurt again.  I would let myself love the wrong person, or be loved the wrong way, or lose myself to what someone else wants me to be…. only to come back screaming when they’ve triggered some memory with a simple touch or careless word.

But I am so lonely and unfulfilled.  My mind, which used to play with puzzles of business and risk, is empty of intended thought.  It’s just a wandering of lost places and people I’ve left behind, to ashamed to admit what I am going through or reveal what I have lost.

I drown in wishes.  I wish I was better.  I wish I could finish something.  I wish I could sleep, eat, hope, care.

I find myself wondering if there is anyone else out there.  Hiding in their houses.  Living lives that are ever-diminishing in challenge and surprise because fear has taken hold.  Are they suffering like me, shrinking away into withered shells, wanting something… anything… to happen that will make them want to breathe again?

There was a time when I would run from my fears, never dwelling in them.  I would run, not literally, but I would take off somewhere when I was afraid.. or simply needed to feel alive.  I would just go, move, leave, find that Somewhere Else to be.

But now I am afraid of Somewhere Else.  I stay home.  I hide.  I close the blinds and shut out the world and all its doings.  I have no where left to run and no energy left in me to run from fear, so it stays with me. 



2 thoughts on “Journal Excerpt: Dwelling in Fear

  1. Just how do you do that?! Your thoughts and feelings are so alike my own that I’m almost going thinking we’re twins who never knew of each other, figuratively speaking. Well, at the very least, there’s incredible synchronicity going on. I’ve been EXACTLY like this for years on end! And I used to be very different, too. Outgoing, forward, pushing myself in overcoming those fears or at the very least not allow them to control me or shape my life – or rather: Choke my life to death and leave a void of insignificance behind, which I sweet talk myself into thinking and believing it was my comfort zone – the only one ever accessible. I felt more alive when taking those fears head on and making faces to it… Is this a twisted way of meaning to feel in control? That’s the first thought that popped into my head upon reading this blog entry…

  2. Reblogged this on Late.Shift and commented:
    At the risk of coming across like I was stealing on a regular basis, but I can’t help but reblog Kimberly’s latest blog entry. It resonates so strongly with my own feelings and situation that I begin to feel like the forgotten twin to her. Wow. This is what it’s been like for me as well. I used to be so different from that – I’d kick myself in the behind and just MAKE a life for myself, taking my fears on and not allow them to control me like this. At this point in my life, I often feel as if I have burnt all fuel I ever had on being in denial over my fears. For I am really no longer too convinced that there can be much “institutionalized” help that goes beyond what I had been doing all along in the past 25+ years. After all, I had sort of a life, a career (two or three, when I think about it), a marriage, vacations and whatnot. Right now, I’m impoverished and reduced to not much more than survival. Ouch…

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