Journal Excerpt: Dwelling in Fear


I could go somewhere else… but I am afraid.

I could do more for myself, get out into life again… but I am paralyzed with fears.

I know some of what frightens me, but not all of it.  That is the biggest fear of all… what would trigger me to fall apart again if I went out into the world?  I wish I could just find what is wrong with me and fix it.

Sometimes I think that I am mostly afraid of myself because I let myself become broken.  There is nothing really that anyone else can do to me that is worse than what I have done to myself. 

I fear that if I let myself go back into a real life, I will just hurt again.  I would let myself love the wrong person, or be loved the wrong way, or lose myself to what someone else wants me to be…. only to come back screaming when they’ve triggered some memory with a simple touch or careless word.

But I am so lonely and unfulfilled.  My mind, which used to play with puzzles of business and risk, is empty of intended thought.  It’s just a wandering of lost places and people I’ve left behind, to ashamed to admit what I am going through or reveal what I have lost.

I drown in wishes.  I wish I was better.  I wish I could finish something.  I wish I could sleep, eat, hope, care.

I find myself wondering if there is anyone else out there.  Hiding in their houses.  Living lives that are ever-diminishing in challenge and surprise because fear has taken hold.  Are they suffering like me, shrinking away into withered shells, wanting something… anything… to happen that will make them want to breathe again?

There was a time when I would run from my fears, never dwelling in them.  I would run, not literally, but I would take off somewhere when I was afraid.. or simply needed to feel alive.  I would just go, move, leave, find that Somewhere Else to be.

But now I am afraid of Somewhere Else.  I stay home.  I hide.  I close the blinds and shut out the world and all its doings.  I have no where left to run and no energy left in me to run from fear, so it stays with me. 

 

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