Pulling Together Pieces – A Journal Excerpt


Pulling together pieces…

April 2008, A journal entry exploring my timeline.  I was trying to recreate some sensible timeline of my life and found a lot of gaps in my memory.

I have a couple of projects I’m doing in my recovery. One of them is reconstructing the timeline of my life, mostly my childhood. We moved around so much that it’s really unclear to me.

I had counted 27 schools from Montessori through high school. I need to know if that’s right. I know it’s close, but I need every move, every time my parents split up, every time I ran from one parent to the other, the people who lived with me.

This is what I have so far:

  •  Mechaniscsville , Md 67- 68
  • Clinton,Md 68-70, with family fosters at times
  • Tregaron 70-73, my first memory of the sexual abuse at 3 years old
  • Oklahoma City 73-74
  • Upper Marlboro, Md 74-75
  • Lexington Park, Md 75-76

—-there are gaps here when my parents had separated several times —-

  • My parents divorced in 76, when I was 9 years old.
  • My father married his second wife (she was age 14 at the time) in ’76, my brother was born in ’77

—-there are gaps here when I lived with my sisters with my father, when I lived on my own with my father and stepmother—-

  • Panama City, Fl 78-83 (with back-and-forth moves between Mom and my father)
  • My brother died 30 November 1980. He was three and a half. This is when I really became a terrible teenager.
  • My father had become a pathetic alcoholic. He had been an alcoholic for years, but from here, he just started wandering around the house in his underwear and drinking whiskey straight from a gallon bottle in the fridge.
  • My father started giving me marijuana to ‘calm me down’. My mother let me continue, ‘in her house’. Marijuana has been my escape ever since.

—-there are lots of gaps here— New Jersey, Connecticut, Virginia, West Virginia, central Florida, wherever my father was.—

  • On my own (or with my older sister) from 1983.
  • Married and became a mother in 1985, at the age of 18.
  • Had second child and divorced in 1987, at the age of 20.

I will update this part of the blog until I have it straight.

I intend to add some key moments to identify the other predators (besides my father) who hurt me… or tried to.

  • In my childhood:
    • An uncle, my maternal aunt’s husband, repeatedly on visits to their place. He died a few years ago, but what I know of him is not nice. What I remember of him is sinister.
    • Another uncle, tried but I said no (yay for me), I was 11 years old and it was on a visit to Maine to see Mom’s family.
    • Some older kid from the trailer park where we lived next to Shenandoah Downs horse race track in West Virginia. He tricked me into going into an empty trailer to find a lost kitten…
  • In my teens and adult life:
    • The kids I hung out with in my new neighborhood took me off in the middle of the woods and gave me the option of ‘putting out’ (there were three of them) or being left in the woods. I chose to be left in the woods.
    • There’s the boyfriend who locked me up in my parent’s bedroom one weekend they were away, he know where my stepfather kept his gun. I never reported it.
    • There’s also the date rape, being drugged and raped by a guy I went out with back in ’89. I never reported it.
    • Then there’s the idiot cajun that I used to be involved with, who broke into my house and waited in an unused room for hours until my kids were put to bed… I reported this one and went before a grand jury. He was tried and convicted.
    • Then there’s my last significant relationship, the man I almost married… the one who manipulated me in the very same ways my father did, until he completely broke me.

There is a pattern that ends here. No more victimization. No more running away.

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